This is the missing chapter from the Bad Science book that Ben Goldacre was unable to include in the first draft as Matthias Rath was (unsuccessfully) suing him at the time:

http://www.badscience.net/2009/04/matthias-rath-steal-this-chapter/

Please follow this link - this man needs to be exposed and shamed. Please put this in your blogs, tweets and facebook - this story should be told.

 

What was your over-riding emotion today?

Let’s face it – fat people are funny. I know this because every where I go something or someone tells me so. From the comic relief of Heather Trott on Eastenders to Courtney Cox’s Fat Suit on Friends, from Johnny Vegas’s comic desperation to the cries of “Oi Fatty Boom Boom” from the kids on the bus.  

Fat people are also jolly. We take these jokes with good humour. Being fat is – after all – our choice so we must be happy to laugh along with the crowds. Otherwise we’d do something about it right?  

Here is a day in the life of me. I’m morbidly obese. I don’t want to claim to speak for anyone else who is also morbidly obese, clinically obese or just a bit chubby. Some or all of these experiences are personal to me. Some will be shared experiences that others may be able to relate to.  

I usually wake up later than I should. I am always tired. I don’t sleep that well – I have a condition called Obstructive Sleep Apnea which is connected to obesity, which means that I have pauses in my breathing while asleep, which wake me up. Symptoms of this include loud snoring (check), restless sleep (check) and sleepiness during the day (check).

 At the moment I am also suffering from Plantar fasciitis. This means that my feet hurt enormously – especially after periods of rest – so I usually have to literally stagger to the bathroom gripping on to the walls as I go. The pain lessens gradually, and I can walk fine for short distances until it returns. I have a very quick bath (usually no more than ten minutes) and then go to get ready for work.

 A combination of my tiredness and my lack of esteem for my looks means that I don’t take much care with my appearance. I wear clothes that are smart enough to pass muster – though I don’t wear suits as I find them restrictive and uncomfortable. I don’t wear any make up, and usually tie my hair back in a bun to stop it bothering me I will usually do this while it is still wet, and never use a hairdryer or attempt any styling on my hair. I don’t wear any jewellery. If I am going to an evening reception or meeting friends after work, I will usually bring in make up and jewellery and a change of clothes, so I do take some pride in my appearance, but separate this from my day to day life.  

The walk to the bus stop from my house takes less than five minutes. If it is a bad day, this will have been enough to induce agony in my lower back. Bad days happen when I am on an eating binge. So they happen most of the time. My lower back will feel like it has seized up. If it is especially bad, I will need to lean against the bus stop or the wall to make it go away. If I am on my own, I can make it go away just by bending my back, but I don’t like to do this if other people are around as I realise it looks really odd.

 I take two buses to work changing at Camberwell. I have been known to let the first bus go past if it is a 345, as this results in a longer (by a minute) walk between bus stops). On the first bus I rarely get a seat, but I don’t mind too much as it’s a very short journey. On the bus I am either constantly in everyone’s way, or I feel like I am. Both are true on different mornings. Paranoia is one of the hardest things to control, because quite often strangers are pointing, laughing, tutting at and judging you, so it becomes something you come to expect.

 My second bus is a very small bus. This is a problem because it doesn’t have much seating. As I get on near the beginning of the route, I always get a seat, but them have to go through the look in everyone’s eyes as they weigh up their own comfort options of sitting next to me VS remaining standing. I don’t blame them, and no one is doing it to make me feel bad. That’s just a side effect.

 When I get to work, I go in via a small shop where every morning I buy a Diet Coke. I am totally addicted to Diet Coke and drink it all the time. I don’t do so under any illusion it is helping me to lose weight, but I like the taste and the caffeine. I suspect I am addicted to it, but with so many other things to sort out, it isn’t my top priority. Sometimes I will buy a sandwich here for breakfast. They aren’t very nice, so usually I will wait for lunch. I eat quite late in the evenings, but even so this usually means there will be roughly at least a 16 hour break between meals.

 At work I am very sedentary and desk based. I sit in front of a computer in an open plan office, and do computer based work. Around One O’clock I usually go for lunch, though I have to time it quite carefully as I absolutely don’t want to go with anyone else. There’s a good reason for this. The walk to the sandwich shop is about 10 – 12 minutes at my pace. If I walk at my own pace, I can contain the pain to my back, but if I walk faster than I feel comfortable doing, my shins start to burn really badly, adding to the pain. By the time I get there I am in such agony that I can’t really focus on anything else.  I certainly find it very difficult to engage in small talk, and so come across as a bit anti social and weird. This is the same reason that whenever I am due to meet with people in another part of town, I try to travel there alone, that ands the fact that the tube has all the embarrassments of the buses, with the added indignity of the barriers and discomfort of the stairs.

 So by the time I come to buy my lunch I am physically a wreck. I haven’t eaten for more than half a day, I am in pain and I am embarrassed and wretched about my general state of being. So what do I do? I overeat obviously. It makes me feel better. Short term admittedly, but when you’ve given up hope, long term is pretty hard to engage with. I buy two items – if I’m trying to be good, it’ll be a soup and a salad, if I’m feeling really bad, it’ll be two large sandwiches. All of which add to the general stomach ache and indigestion I suffer from on some level all the time.

 The afternoon continues much as does the morning. I leave work at 5.30 and get the bus home. The humiliations efforts and issues are the same as in the morning so I won’t harp on. My evenings are as sedentary as my days. Nik and I take no joint exercise* and our joint passions tend to the sedentary (computer games and television shows). If we are both in for the night, one of us will cook, and here I do get an excellent and balanced meal. I might eat too much of it sometimes, but this is because Nik is a really good cook of reasonably healthy meals. My issues are not with this meal, and my attitude towards it is totally different from the way I eat during the day or if Nik is out. If Nik is out I will eat two suppers, one when I get in of a marmite sandwich and one much later though probably another sandwich.

 I go to bed earlier than I used to and try to be attempting sleep by midnight if I can.

 I am so overweight, that my body is in pain, and I hate myself for it in a million small little ways that never quite manifest in a healthy way such as dieting and exercise.

 I have more incentive now to lose weight than I ever have done in the past. I want to have children one day, and it would be dangerous for me to carry a child in my present condition. I am also at a point in my career where exciting things could start to happen for me in the next year or so. They won’t if I am physically incapable of being a more active person.

 So this time – like all the other times – I am going to try. I have come to realise over the last year of so that the problem is less my eating behaviour (though that is an issue) but more my sedentary nature. I have an appointment with the doctor on the 8^th of January, and they have told me that my case is severe enough to warrant medical help, and surgical help if that fails. From the 8^th of January, I will be taking pills to stop my body absorbing fat. I will be From the 5^th Jan I will be a member of the local swimming pool, where I will attend Aqua Aerobics every Wednesday and swim for an hour at least once a week. I intend to exercise somewhat at home at least twice a week, just some sit ups and leg exercises, but something to get myself into the habit. I will eat some fruit before I leave my house every single day. I will get a smaller lunch and make sure I have fruit to supplement it with if I get hungry later on. I will continue to enjoy nice evening meals with Nik, and will not let food become the enemy, but try to reduce it’s position of importance in my life.

Between now and the 5th of Jan I intend to go out with a bang by the way. It's Christmas and New Year and I want to treat myself.

 There will be times when I fail. There will be times when I stuff myself so full of food I feel unable to move. I will hate myself for these times. But I wanted to post this here, publicly, as a warning and inspiration to myself. I need to change, I need to make this happen. I need to be realistic about the changes I will see and what I won’t (I’m never going to be – nor do I want to be – skinny), and about how long those changes will take to manifest. But I also need to remember that it’s ok to fall off the wagon, as long as you get back on it. That small failures don’t mean I have failed once and for all.

 I’m going to try and write about it as I go on – I think it might give me impetus to keep going. If I don’t – feel free to ask me (if anyone has read to the end of this very self indulgent post!), but not free to judge my progress or try and tough love me, It doesn’t work, in fact it’s counterproductive.

 *Ssshhh I don’t mean that! It helps but even as newlyweds it not going to be enough!

1.] What did you do in 2008 that you have never done before?
I got married – the rest is gravy – here’s some gravy: I went to Mexico, I ate Brie, I liked Brie, I campaigned in a foreign election, I was written off sick with work related stress (usually I love work related stress), I became a lobbyist, I swam with a dolphin, I rode a jet-ski.  

[2.] Did you keep all of last years resolutions?
Probably not. I don’t remember them, but they were probably about losing weight.

[3.] Have you any resolutions for next year?
Yes.

[4.] What countries did you visit?
Mexico and the United States.

[5.] What would you like to have in 2009 that you didn't have in 2008?
A break! 2009 is officially declared Nik and my year of doing nothing. No moving, no wedding, no children, no job changes.

[6.] What date in 2008 will remain etched in your memory?
11^th October. For obvious reasons.  

[7.] What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I went from being a near broken person in April to being at the centre of a crowd of experts in my field. I didn’t let WEN break me, and I didn’t achieve that alone.  

[8.] What was your biggest failure?
Letting WEN get close to breaking me.

[9.] Did you suffer any illness or injury?
The usual plus this: http://www.patient.co.uk/showdoc/23068803/ which is deeply annoying.

[10.] What was the best thing you bought?
Our honeymoon. Which we bought here: http://www.buy-our-honeymoon.com/ and I would recommend wholeheartedly.

[11.] Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
The management Committee of WEN – especially the chair, and one or two of the staff members.

[12.] Where did most of your money go?
The house and the wedding.

[13.] What did you get really really really excited about?
Getting married, going on honeymoon,  my current job, SERA.


[17.] What do you wish you'd done less of?
working at WEN.

[18.] How will you be spending Christmas?
With Nik and my family at my parents house.

[19.] Which LJ/OD users did you meet for the first time?

dermfitz

 [20.] Did you fall in love in 2008?
No. I was already in love.

[21.] How many one night stands?
None.

[22] What was your favourite TV show?
Heroes, Lost, IT Crowd, Greys Anatomy.

[23.] Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don’t tend to hate. I feel let down by people I didn’t feel that way about this time last year, but I don’t think about them enough to hate them.

[24.] What was/were the best books you read?
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close – Jonathan Safran Foer.  

[25.] What was your greatest musical discovery?
Not sure I made one this year – I have been rather boringly conservative about music recently, returning to old favourites rather than branching out.  

[26.] What did you want and get?
Nik.

[27.] What did you want and not get?
A job at the Labour Party.

[28.] What was your favourite film this year?
Again – I have been rubbish about going to the cinema this year. I saw Inidana Jones,  which was alright,l but not my favourite film of the year.

[29.] What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I was 33 and I stayed off work. We had a big party that weekend which was also a housewarming and ended in disaster.

[30.] What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?
Losing some weight.

[31.] How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Red and Purple, but not together. Turns out I look good in white too!

[32.] What kept you sane?
Nik and my Parents (though of course they all also drive me nuts!) 

[33.] Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
David Tennant, Ewan MacGregor, George Clooney, The bent Cop from Emmerdale.

[34.] Which political issue stirred you the most?
The American Presidential election.

[35.] Who did you miss?
I miss working with Alecia every week.

[36.] Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year?
Work hard, and it will work. If it doesn’t ask why.

[37.] Quote a song lyric that sums up your year...
Yes, it’s just a piece of paper, but it says “I love you”.